It is the season of love, again. You must be making plans to splash your loved one with a surprise gift or treat. Just to show them you really do love them. That is all good. But I want to throw a spanner in to the works.
Ponder this: Whom do you spend the most time with? Your partner or spouse? Your colleagues or friends? Your children? I say, none of the above! You spend the most time with yourself, which is why it is important to build a habit of self-love. To regard your well-being, happiness and peace. Not the self-worship kind of love laced with conceit. That’s actually a disorder.
To love yourself in a healthy and wholesome way, there are certain things you need to begin paying attention to. These are things that we often forget or overlook in pursuit of other seemingly more important concerns like work, money, friends, sports, and fun.
Allow me to digress a bit. There is a time we had gone on a trip to the coast. Some sort of a working holiday. Non-coastal folks tend to have a naïve obsession with the sea, even though they might not swim or catch fish. So my friend Shem and I woke up early to go see if the sea was still there. We had heard that sometimes it takes a walk. They call it low tide. The water had receded to some distance away, leaving behind small puddles where some sea urchins and other small creatures were whiling away time the way kids play around the house when the parents are away. We were mesmerized by the spectacle. We really immersed ourselves in to the moment, silently losing our senses to this wonder of nature.
In our transfixed pose we did not notice two sleepy-looking men in their mid twenties approaching us. They greeted us in the typically musical coastal Swahili. The next thing we realized was that we were standing at the edge of the deep sea, over five kilometers away from the shore. They showed us the magnificence of the seabed, with all its tiny creatures.
The shorelines of big water masses tend to have an indescribable mystique that powerfully engulfs the human soul. And such is life. You could be so absorbed in watching the waves hit your shoreline that you miss the splendor of the seabed and the deep sea. In the humdrum of everyday life, lies a thinly layered yet exciting side waiting to be explored. But to get a taste of it, you need to break camp from the deceitful gallery of vain pursuits.
How do you love yourself? I will not suggest you buy yourself flowers or chocolate, take yourself out on a solitary dinner date or treat yourself to a holiday to an exquisite romantic destination. I suggest more long-term acts of self love with tangible, enduring physiological benefits.
• Spend quality quiet time: In this fast-paced age where there are so many things vying for your attention, it is important to spend some quiet time alone. Psychiatrists recommend quieting your mind. Some people call it ‘doing-nothing’ time, others meditation. Whatever you call it, set aside time when you let go of all other things and just be still. Focus inwards, listen to your body and pay attention only to positive thoughts as you block all stressful negative things in your life. This helps recharge your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. It improves your ability to make well thought out decisions.
• Care for your body: Your body is like a machine or engine that you switch on everyday to do some work. It experiences tear and wear. To keep it running optimally and efficiently, it needs care. Go for a medical checkup, at least once a year. The rising cost of healthcare combined with busy work schedules means that many people are putting regular checkups on the back burner. But the hard truth of the matter is that regular doctors’ visits can mean the difference between life and death. It is essential that you have regular medical, eye and dental checkups if you want to live a long and healthy life.
• Spirituality: Human life is generally characterized by a sense of meaninglessness and a lack of purpose. This causes anxiety, depression and various phobias in life. Finding meaning and purpose in life then is a crucial part of living. This search is a spiritual journey (not necessarily religious). Spirituality involves the recognition and acceptance of a higher power beyond your intelligence and will. Connecting with a higher power will provide you with guidance for making decisions and solving problems.
• Have media blackout days: We live in a loud and distracting world, where silence is increasingly difficult and technology has opened many channels for getting information. This can be deafening if you do not pull the plug on your media consumption habits. So love yourself and have ‘media blackout days’ once in a while. Turn off your social media accounts, switch off the TV or radio and just be. Silence is golden. It relieves stress and tension, and replenishes your mental resources.
• Have that ‘awkward’ conversation: When you learn to love yourself, you realize your freedom is paramount. One of the things that can enslave you is the fear of speaking out. Fearing how people will react when you speak your mind. This is perhaps the first and easiest way of losing your freedom. Set yourself free and have that ‘awkward’ conversation. But be honest, calm and respectful when doing so. And know that no matter what you do, you’ll never successfully influence how someone will react. Even keeping to yourself might put you in to trouble, so you might as well speak up.
• Reach out: As I said earlier, self-love is not that commonly preached doctrine of obsession with yourself in total disregard to those around you. You’ll know if your self-love is healthy if you feel compelled to treat others with compassion and respect. To make your self-love complete, you need to reach out to others. Find out how they are doing, lend a helping hand where you can, do acts of kindness and expect nothing in return. It will all boomerang on you and boost your sense of worth, advance your purpose and meaning in life. By loving others you actually love yourself.
• Do listen to others when they speak. I do not need millions of research funding to establish that people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary aural skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening. Patiently and actively listening to others not only conveys respect, it also strengthens relationships. I am sure if you love yourself you’ll want to receive respect in return and a warm relationship to boot.
Go love thyself.