I recently attended a couples meeting where we were discussing family money matters- how married couples handle their money. Some of the comments made there were as hilarious as they were unsettling.
The good old book says money is the mother of all evil. Marriage is one of the corners where money loves to ply its evil trade. Don’t get me wrong. There’s no romance without finance, it’s been said, but that same finance can create so big a chasm between you and your partner that no amount of it can repair.
All the men and women, whether salaried or self-employed, had had varying experiences with their partners over money.
Ben, who has never walked in to any HR office for an interview, had been single-handedly running the show in his construction firm for years. Until his wife joined him from the financial services sector. He had managed the company finance like an annex of his pockets- receiving cheques and paying suppliers, with little or no financial management structures at all. Enter his wife, Charlene, a ruthless finance manager. Four years since her majestic entry, the scuffles are yet to subside. She keeps her tabs on all their business and personal accounts. She will not take off the high heels until Ben toes the line of financial management- keeping proper books of account, making sound and frugal business decisions, and pulling the strings on his (company’s) purse. While Ben is a carefree risk taker, his wife Charlene, is a prudential and risk-averse finance expert. This has incredibly affected their investment plans. Ben confessed to making some secret investments without involving his ever-discreet wife.
Jackie quit her NGO job eight years ago to assist her husband run their restaurant in the city. Having come from a well structured institution where all resources were professionally managed and thoroughly audited, she was shocked to the core, and even feared she had made the wrong move. Determined to put the books in order, she embarked on a series of endless questions and cleaning up of the accounts. Her husband, James, was unbothered by anything but constant cash flow and customer numbers. That was the beginning of a grueling spousal turmoil revolving around money. Jackie, upon establishing the true income from the business, started believing James either had secret investments, accounts or another family that he was secretly taking care of. She had discovered the business made more money than James had made her believe.
Granton, on the other hand, is in the events management business. Although his wife, Grace, still holds her corporate job, she is a signatory to all business accounts. Granton has brilliant investment ideas. Grace prefers having fewer investments and fat current and fixed deposit accounts. When El Nino was scaring business owners stiff due to its attendant power outages, Granton was stripping his entrepreneurial gears, raring to go for the opportunities presented by the demand for standby generators. He thought he could purchase and lease power generators for additional income. His wife objected. He was risking too much by investing in multiple ventures, she reasoned. But he wasn’t going to lose sight of the shore for the storms in the foreground. Then there is this day he checked the joint account only to find it had been debited with Sh. 40,000. Of course without his knowledge. She explained that a relative was in a desperate situation that called for that desperate withdrawal.
Lenny, a credit analyst, complained that his wife Jenny is a shopaholic. Whether they have money or not, “honey, let’s go shopping”. “I have a headache, honey. Let’s go shopping”. She gets her fix from shopping. He has tried to talk her out of it, but it has only led to more frustration.
Lilian, on the other hand, was concerned her husband was excessively frugal, to the point of being a miser. Although he has a well-paying job, his wallet is ever ‘closed for business’. She doesn’t believe he is being prudent, but rather stingy. She is also working, with a fairly good income. Their fights, she said, are usually about the quality of the things they buy. Titus is the guy who’d rather buy cheap but less quality items provided he spends the least amount and not mind how many more times he has to buy the same thing later. He doesn’t understand how cheap is expensive. He also avoids discussing money with Lilian, fearing she will place demands on him if she finds how much he earns.
All these accusations and counter accusations between husbands and wives bring to the fore the need for open and mutually understanding discussion around money between couples, regardless of their stage in marriage or financial status.
If you are married or plan (even wish) to get married some day, you must consider some tips on how to avert feuds over money with your partner.
- Disclose your source of income– Before you got married you were the sole authority over your financial matters. That changed on the wedding day (or before). Failure to disclose your income sources and how much you earn could lead to distrust and feuds. You have to choose between ‘my money vs our money’ and a peaceful family.
- Put it on the table– discuss and plan your expenditure, savings and investment plans with your partner. This will not only show both of you how much is available for the family; it will also help you pool your resources together and achieve more, faster.
- Joint accounts- it may not be the ultimate answer to financial problems in the family, but goes a long way in ensuring openness and accountability.
- Seek professional advice- Whenever you find yourselves considering weighty complex financial decisions, talk to a financial expert. A professional third party will not only offer objective qualified guidance, but also help you avoid unnecessary arguments and delays in decision making.
- Improve your financial literacy- If one or both of you are not financial experts, invest in learning more about personal finance. There are many online resources and other forums that can help you become better equipped to handle financial matters in your family.
- Separate emotions from money- Shark Tank’s Kevin O’Leary says ‘don’t cry for money…money has no feelings’. Never engage the emotional gear when discussing finances with your spouse. Try as much as you can to remain rational and sober.
- Understand your own and your partner’s ‘money personality’ type- How does each of you relate to money and how does that relationship affect your individual financial habits? What does money mean to you? How do you behave in a situation that requires you to make a financial decision? Once you figure out your money personality, and that of your partner, you’ll be able to make better decisions in the way you spend, save and invest your money.
How do you and your partner manage your finances? Share with us on the comments section below.
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.